Do you ever feel like you’re not grieving “the right way”? Maybe you think, I should be feeling more, or, I should be doing better by now. This is grief perfectionism—the internal pressure to grieve in a way that meets some impossible standard.

Grief perfectionism can make a difficult experience even harder by adding guilt and self-judgment to the mix. Let’s explore how to let go of these expectations and approach your grief with compassion and understanding.

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What Is Grief Perfectionism?

Grief perfectionism is the belief that there’s a “correct” way to grieve—whether it’s about how you feel, how you act, or how quickly you’re healing. It often sounds like:

• I should cry more, or people will think I didn’t care.
• I shouldn’t cry in public; it’s too much.
• I need to clear out their belongings by now, or I’m holding on too much.
• I should be stronger.

These thoughts stem from societal expectations, personal insecurities, and even the well-meaning comments of others. But grief isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being human.

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The Damage of Grief Perfectionism

When you judge yourself for how you grieve, it can:

• Create Shame: Feeling like you’re failing at grief adds unnecessary pain.
• Block Healing: Suppressing emotions to “get it right” can delay the healing process.
• Isolate You: Comparing yourself to others can make you feel like no one understands your experience.

Grief doesn’t need to look a certain way to be valid. The only “right” way to grieve is your way.

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How to Let Go of Grief Perfectionism

1. Challenge Unrealistic Expectations
   When a perfectionist thought arises, ask yourself: Would I expect this of a friend? Chances are, you’d offer them compassion instead of judgment.
2. Focus on What You Need
   Grieving is not about performing for others. Tune out external expectations and ask: What do I need today to feel supported?
3. Celebrate Small Wins
   Even small steps, like eating a meal or taking a walk, are signs of progress. Recognizing these moments can help counter perfectionist tendencies.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
   Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show someone else. When self-judgment creeps in, respond with affirmations like, I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.
5. Seek Support
   Talking to a therapist, grief group, or trusted friend can help you break the cycle of perfectionism and replace it with understanding.

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Why Imperfect Grief Is Healthy

Grief is messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal—and that’s okay. Trying to control it or make it “perfect” only adds more pain. When you allow yourself to grieve imperfectly, you give yourself the freedom to feel, heal, and grow in a way that’s authentic to you.

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Final Thoughts

You don’t need to grieve perfectly—you just need to grieve. Let go of the pressure to meet impossible standards and embrace the truth that your process, however it looks, is enough.

You are not failing; you’re healing, one step at a time.

With hope and compassion,
Julie