There’s a strange thing that happens when your loved one dies. The life you had becomes part of your past, and the life you have yet to live exists in a murky future. You get to live in what remains; the messy middle. What is it like living in the messy middle? It’s a time filled with longing, desire, and the wishes for new beginnings, yet marked by a lack of tangible results. It can feel very uncomfortable. Today let’s talk about what can you do when you find yourself chafing as you live in between what was and what is yet to be.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first thing you need to do is get comfortable acknowledging your feelings of frustration, sadness, or helplessness. Too often we focus only on the positive feelings, but that can hurt us in the end. Give yourself permission to feel ALL of your emotions without judgment. Remember that they are a natural part of the grief process.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness is simply the practice of becoming aware of the exact here and now. Why does that help? Because when start to spin out worrying about the past or future, mindfulness will pull you back into the present moment. It can also help you develop the ability to observe your thoughts and emotions without getting overwhelmed by them. It can be as easy as focusing on your senses and naming things you see, feel, taste, hear, or smell.

Reframe Your Perspective

Reframing your perspective involves changing the way you view or interpret a situation, event, or challenge. You may not be able to change your circumstance, you can change how you think about it. It will help you see things from a more neutral or positive viewpoint. Getting stuck in traffic can be reframed from “making me late” to “giving me time to finish a podcast.” Reframing can relieve some of the pressure to live in the black and white (which our brain wants).

Live in the Present Moment

Living in the present moment is a byproduct of mindfulness. The past is what was, and the future is what is yet to be. You have control over neither. Instead, focus on what you can do and experience in the present, and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment right now. It could be petting an animal, engaging in a hobby, or interacting with friends.

Practice Patience

Grief and change is a dynamic and ever changing process, and it may take time to fully integrate your loss into your life. Be patient with yourself as you navigate your grief journey, and don’t expect immediate transformation. Remember, part of being patient is being kind to yourself.

Envision Your Future Self

You may not be able to do anything about your present circumstances, but you can create a vision of the person you aspire to be, where you want to live, or what you want to be doing. It’s a powerful thought to consider that there is a future version of you waiting for you at the end of the process, and he/she is cheering you on! You can tell yourself, “I don’t have control over what’s happening right now, but in five years I will…..”

Celebrate Small Victories

Recognize and celebrate the small achievements and moments of growth along the way. Each step forward, no matter how small, contributes to your overall well-being and acknowledges your progress from seedling to a beautiful new being. Did you go back to school and pass your first class? Celebrate! Did you finally get the donation bags dropped off? Celebrate!

Consider the caterpillar who turns into a butterfly. Did you ever consider what must happen while in the cocoon stage? It’s physical shape literally has to be destroyed in order for the new shape to emerge! There is no “gentle sleep.” There is a complete destruction and rebuilding of the body.

We are very much the same in a spiritual/emotional/mental way. The life we had with our spouse or partner was destroyed. There is a future waiting for us at some point. And, there is this messy middle in which we are in a cocoon, being pulverized and reshaped into the new version of ourselves.

You will become a beautiful butterfly. You will survive the messy middle. And if you need me, I’m here to help.

Julie