Do you ever catch yourself thinking, I should be handling this better, or, Why does her grief look so different from mine?Comparison has a way of sneaking into grief when we’re at our most vulnerable. Whether it’s noticing how others seem to be coping or trying to meet society’s expectations, the “shoulds” can weigh heavily on your heart.
Let’s be clear: grief isn’t a competition. There’s no prize for grieving the “best,” and there’s no shame in grieving your way. It’s time to stop comparing and start focusing on what you need most.
Why We Compare Grief
Comparison often begins with good intentions. Maybe you’re looking for validation or reassurance that you’re “doing it right.” But comparison can quickly turn into self-judgment.
You might think:
- She’s back at work—why can’t I be that strong?
- He’s crying all the time, and I feel numb. What’s wrong with me?
- They’ve already cleared out their spouse’s belongings, but I can’t even look at his closet.
Grief is as individual as a fingerprint, yet societal norms, social media, and even well-meaning advice can make us feel like we’re falling short. The truth is, there’s no universal standard for grieving. Your process is yours alone.
The Damage of “Shoulds”
When you compare your grief to others, you might find yourself stuck in a cycle of guilt and shame:
- You feel inadequate because you’re not grieving like someone else.
- You judge yourself for struggling in ways they didn’t—or for finding joy when they seem somber.
This constant self-evaluation drains your emotional energy and creates a barrier to true healing. Grief is hard enough without adding the weight of “shoulds.”
How to Stop Comparing and Start Honoring Your Journey
Breaking free from comparison doesn’t happen overnight, but small shifts in mindset can make a big difference. Here are some ways to start:
- Acknowledge Your Triggers
Notice when comparison creeps in. Is it during conversations, on social media, or after spending time with certain people? Awareness is the first step to letting go. - Remind Yourself of the Truth
When the “shoulds” surface, counter them with a compassionate truth:- I’m grieving in the way that’s right for me.
- Their journey is not my journey.
- There’s no timeline for healing.
- Limit Your Exposure
Social media can amplify comparison, especially when people post curated versions of their lives. Take a break if it feels overwhelming, or follow accounts that inspire and support you. - Focus on Small Wins
Instead of comparing your grief to someone else’s, focus on what feels like progress for you. Maybe it’s getting out of bed, eating a nourishing meal, or taking a deep breath. Celebrate those moments—they’re meaningful. - Seek Support That Feels Right
Surround yourself with people who encourage your unique process. This might mean joining a grief support group, talking to a therapist, or spending time with friends who understand without judgment. - Practice Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show a friend. Would you tell someone else their grief wasn’t good enough? Of course not. Extend that same grace to yourself.
Final Thoughts
Comparison has no place in grief. It’s a thief of self-compassion and a distraction from what truly matters—honoring your own needs and emotions. Let go of the “shoulds” and remind yourself that your journey is just that: yours.
You are doing the best you can, and that’s more than enough.
With hope and compassion,
Julie
Navigating Widowhood 
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