Do you ever feel like you’re not grieving the “right” way? Maybe someone has told you how they think grief should look, or maybe you’re silently judging yourself for not meeting an invisible standard. Let’s pause for a moment and take a deep breath together. Here’s the truth: there’s no “good,” “better,” or “best” way to grieve.

There are no grief Olympics.

Grief isn’t a test to pass, a performance to perfect, or a process to measure. It’s deeply personal, unpredictable, and messy. And that’s okay. It’s time to take yourself off the hook.

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Grief Isn’t a Competition

It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparison. You might look at others and think, “They’re handling this better than I am,” or “I should be further along by now.” Comparison can sneak in when scrolling through social media, talking to friends, or even just reflecting on how you think you should feel.

Here’s the thing: grief isn’t a race, and there’s no finish line. Comparing your grief to someone else’s only adds unnecessary guilt and shame. Your journey is unique because your love and loss are unique. There’s no need to measure your progress against anyone else’s.

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The Myth of “Good Grieving”

Have you ever felt like there’s an invisible checklist for grief? Cry enough. Be strong. Move on, but not too quickly. Feel sad, but not too sad. It’s exhausting just thinking about it.

These ideas come from cultural expectations, well-meaning friends, or even media portrayals of what “healthy” grief looks like. But the truth is, grief doesn’t have a single “look.” Some days you may cry, some days you may laugh, and some days you may feel nothing at all. That’s not wrong—it’s human.

Grief is not a linear path or a list of steps to complete. It’s more like waves, sometimes crashing, sometimes gently lapping at the shore, and sometimes receding entirely.

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Permission to Feel (or Not Feel)

Let me reassure you: it’s okay to feel deeply one day and numb the next. It’s okay to have moments of joy even in the midst of sorrow. It’s okay if your emotions don’t fit what you—or anyone else—expect.

There’s no “right” amount of sadness, anger, or relief. Every feeling—or lack of feeling—is valid. What matters most is giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are, without judgment.

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Why Letting Go of “Grief Perfection” Is Empowering

Trying to grieve “perfectly” can hold you back. It can make you feel like you’re failing at something that doesn’t even have rules. Grief isn’t about doing it right—it’s about being honest with yourself.

When you stop trying to meet impossible standards, you create space for healing. You allow yourself to process emotions at your own pace, in your own way. That’s where the real growth happens—in the freedom to grieve authentically.

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Taking Yourself Off the Hook

So, how do you stop judging yourself and start embracing your own grief journey? Here are some ideas:

• Speak kindly to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to a grieving friend, don’t say it to yourself.
• Write it out. Journal your thoughts and feelings without editing or trying to make sense of them.
• Limit external pressure. Spend less time around people or media that make you feel judged.
• Focus on what you need. Whether it’s rest, a walk, or a good cry, honor what feels right for you.

And remember this: you don’t have to explain your grief to anyone. Your process is yours, and that’s enough.

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Final Thoughts

Grief is as unique as the love you shared. There’s no one-size-fits-all way to navigate it and no award for doing it “right.” So, take yourself off the hook. Let go of “good, better, or best,” and trust that your way—messy, complicated, and human—is the right way for you.

You are doing better than you think. And you are not alone in this.

With hope and compassion,
Julie