When someone loses a spouse or partner, the grief they experience is deeply personal. Friends and family often want to help by offering words of comfort, but sometimes those words can unintentionally cause more harm than good.

A common phrase many widowed individuals hear is, “I know just what you mean.”

While this is typically meant to show understanding, it often shifts the focus away from the person grieving and toward the speaker.

Here’s why this phrase can be unhelpful for widows and widowers, and what supporters can say instead.

1. It Shifts the Focus Away From the Widowed Individuals

• Why it matters: When someone responds with “I know just what you mean” and shares their own experience, the conversation moves away from the widowed person’s feelings. Instead of allowing the grieving individual to share their emotions, the focus shifts to the supporter’s story.
• How it feels for the widowed individual: After losing a spouse or partner, widowed people often need space to express their grief. When the conversation is redirected, it can feel like their pain is being dismissed or overshadowed.

2. It Misses the Point of True Support

• Why it matters: Providing support to a grieving person is about being present for them, not about drawing comparisons or telling similar stories. Supporters may believe they are helping by sharing their own experiences, but this can unintentionally take away from the widowed person’s opportunity to express their grief fully.
• How it impacts the widowed individual: The grieving person may feel like their emotions are not being fully acknowledged, and the chance to connect and be heard is lost. True support is about giving the widowed individual the space to talk without comparison.

3. It Fails to Acknowledge the Unique Grief of Widowhood

• Why it matters: Losing a spouse is a life-altering event, and every individual’s journey through widowhood is unique. Saying “I know just what you mean” can simplify the complexity of emotions that come with this loss. While supporters may also have experienced loss, the depth of grief for a life partner is different for everyone.
• A better approach: Instead of assuming understanding, supporters could say, “I can’t fully know what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.” This recognizes that each person’s grief is unique, honoring the widowed individual’s personal experience.

4. It Turns the Conversation Toward the Supporter

• Why it matters: Widowed individuals often need time and space to process their emotions. When someone uses the phrase “I know just what you mean” to talk about their own experience, the conversation shifts away from the grieving person. What started as an opportunity for the widowed person to share their grief becomes about someone else’s story.
• How it impacts the widowed individual: This redirection can leave the widowed person feeling unseen or unheard. In grief, the most helpful support often comes from someone who listens without trying to bring their own experiences into the conversation.

Better Ways for Supporters to Respond to Widowed Individuals:

Supporters can offer more meaningful comfort by focusing on listening. Phrases like, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “I’m here to listen whenever you need” show that they are present and supportive without taking the focus away from the grieving individual. Sometimes, just being there in silence speaks volumes.

Final Thoughts

Grief is an intensely personal journey for both men and women who have lost a spouse. Supporters can help by avoiding phrases like “I know just what you mean” and instead focusing on being present and listening. This approach acknowledges the unique grief of widowed individuals and creates space for them to share their emotions without feeling overshadowed.

With love,
Julie