Has your death experience included dealing with in-law relationships that seemed to have changed overnight? What can you do? Today we talk about strategies you can use to manage a difficult situation when in-laws act like outlaws.

What About the In-Laws?

Before we talk about how you can manage a frayed relationship, take a moment to consider their perspective. One beautiful reader this week spoke up as the mother-in-law, and she had such an eye-opening point of view.

I am on the other side of this broken-ness. It feels like I am on a balance ball, trying to navigate staying on. Not wanting to bring up subjects that are painful- or not know what might trigger sorrow. Kindness, inclusiveness, and new boundaries are all mine fields when emotions are so very raw- even after many years. 

Finding grace for yourself and all effected is certainly the goal I have set forth, however this uncharted territory is calm at best with a prickly edge to everything that lies before us.

Susan

If you find yourself in a strained relationship, then for your sake, seek the path of reconciliation, peace, and forgiveness. If you have a dynamic that is beyond this point, then read on.

What Can You Do?

1. Remember that your in-laws are broken people, just as you are a broken version of yourself. Your persons death destroyed many lives, and your in-laws are struggling just as much as you. They may not know how to continue the relatioship or may be incapable of continuing it. 
2. Remember the love and respect you had for your in-laws. If you are unable to maintain a relationship with them, then make the choice to continue to honor or respect them BECAUSE they were your loved one’s parents/siblings. You will never regret taking the high road, or as the reader shared, “finding grace for yourself and all those effected.”
3. If you are in a hostile situation, seek support and set boundaries around communication and interactions.  You can be loving, kind, AND firm. 
4. Set realistic expectations, and recognize that the changing family dynamic will look different for you and your kids.  The in-laws may be hostile to you but loving to your children.  Instead of getting angry, consider reframing your thoughts into something along the lines of: I’m grateful my children get to have a relationship with …….  The caveat is if your children are being poisoned by their words and actions. If this is happening, then you have decide how to handle that.  You may need to limit their exposure. For older kids, an honest, loving conversation may be warranted. In the end, there are two sets of relationships; yours and your children’s. While you may not get along with your estranged in-laws, they may be the closest biological reminder your kids have left of mom or dad.   
5. The last thing to consider, especially if communication is especially strained or hostile, is using a mediator or lawyer at act as a neutral third party. If you’re at this point, there isn’t any relationship left, so it becomes about protection. You are protecting you (and possibly your kids) from destructive, broken people. 

Your relationship, or lack thereof, with your in-laws can impact your grief journey. It can help you heal, or it can cause complicated grief as you deal with yet another layer of loss and betrayal.

Many in-laws truely want to maintain some type of relationship, and if you have one of those gems, you are blessed.

If you struggle with a less than ideal dynamic, recognize your new reality, get help and support from others, and remember that for the most part, it has nothing to do with you.

Remember, you can do this, and I’m here to help.

Julie

P.S. I am so excited to announce that Navigating Widowhood is now on Patreon! This is a special space in which you can unlock personalized support, take a deeper dive with the blog posts and podcasts, and support the mission of taking care of widowed people! You can find the link here: