Have you struggled with friendship after the loss of your loved one? Did your circle of friends disappear? Navigating friendships after loss is a huge part of navigating widowhood! 

It’s tough, isn’t it? Seeing those couple friends or work buddies just drift away. Today I want to offer you perspective shift that will allow you to embrace authentic connections as you reestablish your friend network. I want you to consider the magic of being a “useless friend.”

What’s a “Useless Friend”

I stumbled upon this term in Arthur Brooks’ book, “Build the Life You Want,” and it struck a chord. Imagine a friendship where all you have to offer is… you. No frills, no benefits, just pure, unadulterated you. And your friend is the same. There is no benefit to either party, which actually makes it, well…freeing!

Aristotle’s Take on Friendship

Aristotle developed an insightful take on friendship over 2000 years ago with a “friendship ladder,” and it’s pretty insightful. Here’s the ladder. 

• Bottom Rung: Here are the friends you have because, well, you need something from each other. There is a mutual benefit. Work connections, social circles – it’s all about what you can do for each other. There is a transactional element, and these relationships often have a weak emotional bond and the happiness derived from them is minimal. 

• Middle Rung: A step up, and it’s about pleasure. You like how they make you laugh, or you’re into the same stuff. It’s fun but not quite deep. They have qualities you desire, and are better than the bottom rung, but it’s still not the highest form of friendship. They often end when tastes, jobs, or life events (say the death of your spouse) change.

• Top Rung: This is where the gold is – virtue-based friendships. Aristotle called them “perfect friendships.” It’s all about who you are, not what you do or have. 

You are friends because you admire their (virtues) “human experience.” These relationships are pursued for their own sake and fully realized in the present. You may have no common areas of interest, and yet the friendship thrives.  

The Real Friend Paradox

Life presents us with a paradox: the people we truly need are those we don’t actually need for anything specific. These are the friends who are there because they just want to be, not because they expect something in return. They’re your “useless” friends, in the best possible way.

Why “Useless” is Actually Priceless

So, why am I advocating for you to be a useless friend? Because that’s where the real connection lies. Their worth lies in their presence, their understanding, and their ability to be there for you without any conditions or expectations.

In a world where everything’s a transaction, being “a useless friend” allows you to value someone for just being themselves. It’s about genuine human connections, no strings attached.

How can you tell if you are or have a “useless” friend?

-they don’t get offended easily.

-you can joke with them and they’ll come right back at you.

-you can call them at 3 AM

-you can go three months without saying a word and then pick up where you left off.

Let’s Flip the Script on Friendship

As you’re navigating life and its curveballs, let’s redefine friendship. Aim to be that “useless” friend. Seek out people who want you for you, not for what you can give them, and vice versa. In these friendships you’ll find true joy and support.

So, what do you think? Ready to embrace being a “useless” friend? Got any stories of friendships like these? Drop a comment and let’s celebrate the beauty of real connections together. Here’s to friendships that are priceless in their “uselessness”! 

As always, you can do this, and I’m here to help.

Julie