In a world that often celebrates the ideal, there’s a profound silence surrounding the grief experienced by those who didn’t have the picture-perfect marriage or partnership. Maybe it was someone you know. Maybe it was you. 

This unspoken struggle can leave you feeling isolated and judged, as if your grief doesn’t fit. For those who struggled, it may feel like a new layer of grief.

The State of Marriage Today

Recent data highlights the complexities of modern marriages. While many marriages thrive, divorce rates have held steady at around 40-50% in the United States, underscoring the diversity of experiences within marriages. 

People struggle with marriage, lots of them! There is no way that every single grieving person is grieving the loss of a perfect marriage. The math simply doesn’t work.

The greatest challenge I see for widowed people is that somehow our spouse or partner gets canonized by everyone. They become a saint. This sainthood becomes a bitter pill when your home life was difficult at best, or a nightmare at worst.

So what can you do if you grieve a marriage that was less than ideal?

Acknowledge Your Grief

Your feelings are valid, even if your marriage fell short of your expectations. You have permission to grieve the loss of what could have been.  

Label all of the messy feelings so that they can be honored as part of the greiving process. Remember, there are no bad emotions. There are only your feelings and then the thoughts and the stories you may have connected to them (hint: that’s where suffering enters the game). 

Embrace Your Emotions

When you allow yourself to feel the emotions, whether it’s relief, sadness, anger, or confusion you open the door to emotional release, validation and understanding. You need affirmation that the challenges you experienced were valid and real to you. That will bring you comfort and some reassurance.

Learn from Your Experience

Every relationship, even those that didn’t meet your ideals, can teach you valuable lessons about yourself, your needs, and your boundaries.

You can reflect on what you’ve learned from your marriage or partnership. What parts did you enjoy? What were you unable to change? Where did things fall apart? How you can use these insights to grow and evolve as a person?

Change and Adapt Moving Forward

Grief offers a unique opportunity for personal growth and transformation. You can use this time to reassess what you want in future relationships and how to build healthier connections. 

When you arm yourself with this new level of self-awareness, you can approach future connections with a clearer vision of what aligns with your authentic self.

Remember the Good

Remember the good. Find those moments or joy, love, and connection. Cherish the good times and focus on the good outcomes you experienced because of that relationship. Maybe it’s children, a special home, or a set of relationships. 

Take a moment to step into their shoes. Chances are your spouse or partner struggled too! Doing so may help you see your person in a new light; one in which they embraced qualities you didn’t like not because they were a bad person, but because they didn’t have any better model to follow.

Avoid Unhealthy Comparisons

Looking at your marriage through a new lens may leave you miserable and heaping suffering on top of your already complicated feelings. Comparing apples (your situation) to oranges (someone else’s) won’t lead to a productive outcome.

 Instead of beating yourself up over what “could” have been or what you “could” have done differently, simply remind yourself of these words:  “we did the best we could with the skills we had.” 

Then look forward to the new you; the 2.0 version in which you have new boundaries and expectations for a new partnership that reflects the amazing person you are today.

Julie