How do you stop feeling married after the loss of your spouse? It’s a common question among widowed men and women, and recently a reader reached out to me and asked me to address it.  What I discovered is that there are many reasons to feel this way, AND many ways you can help your brain transition from “we” to “me.” 

First let us address the why. We cannot have this conversation without Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, where she studies grief and grieving. She is an expert in complicated grief. She’s author of the recent book, The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. 

“Grieving can be thought of as a form of learning. After we experience something as difficult as our one and only passing away, we really have to figure out: How do I live in the world now? Part of it is learning to be in the world as a person who carries this absence with them, but even at a smaller level, you can think about all the tiny little habits that we have to change. All those little habits and predictions that we have to learn in a new way.”

Dr. Mary-Frances O’Connor

You are not going crazy. You are not avoiding the pain of reality.  You are learning how to move though the world in a new way.

Habit and Routine:

When people are married for many years, they develop routines and habits centered around being part of a couple. One of your jobs is to identify those habits and routines and to adjust to not having your spouse as part of these daily activities.

Identity:

Many people incorporate their marriage into their personal identity. You become one of a pair. After the loss of your loved one, it can feel as though part of your identity has been lost, and it can take time to adjust to this new identity as a single person. Your brain has to learn to transition from “we” to “me.”

Connection:

Your love and emotional bonds don’t necessarily disappear after death, and it’s natural to still feel closely connected to their late spouse because you were connected down to your neurons.

Grief and Processing:

Everyone experiences and processes grief differently, and for some, the feeling of still being married may be part of their way of coping with the loss.

Physical and Environmental Reminders:

Your shared environment, including your home and belongings, may be working against you; constantly reminding you of the presence and the absence of your spouse, which reinforces the feeling of being married.

Social Structures and Expectations:

In many societies, being married is seen as status, and losing this status can be disorienting and distressing. Some people might continue to feel “married” because it’s so challenging to adjust to societal expectations and attitudes about widowhood.

Next, it is time to address the how. Knowing some of the many reasons for feeling like you are still married after the death of your spouse, the second part of the question was, “how do I stop feeling this way?” 

• Give yourself time to get over the loss and remind yourself it’s a process.
• Seek professional help to learn how to process your feelings.
• Build a support system of friends, family, and other widowed people.
• Create new routines that reflect who you are NOW as a single person.
• Consider changing your environment if you find it’s difficult to separate married you from single you.
• Focus on your own growth and ask your brain to find things that you like to do!
• Consider expanding your relationships and connections to encompass your new space in life. This might be a great time to make new friends.
• Acknowledge and accept your feelings as normal and part of the grieving process.

Teaching your brain how to transition from a married to a single person is a process. If you’re going to figure out what makes sense and can be meaningful for this new version of you, you’ve got to engage in new experiences. That’s how the brain will learn. You CAN teach your brain to move from feeling like you’re married to understanding that you are a single person.

As always, you can do this my friends, and if not, I’m here to help.

Julie

P.S. If you would like to explore this, or any of the challenges of navigating widowhood further, I am available for those conversations. I run a coaching/mentoring program, and all you need to do is reach out on the website.