Medical issues are a fact of life.  They may be acute or chronic.  Managing a medical problem as a widowed person can add an extra layer of stress and complexity to an already challenging situation. Who do you talk to? Who will help you navigate this stressful time? 

I missed having my sounding board, the man who told me everything was going to be fine. Jason was always the voice of reason in my world, and the first time I had a medical issue, I wondered what I would do and how I would cope.

Friends and family members can be helpful, but it’s a different kind of help.  I missed the help and encouragement that held my hand in the dark of night.  

I learned that while I can’t replace my loved one, I could develop a set of skills that helped me manage my mind.  Managing the specific logistics of your medical issues is a unique and complex process that comes down to decisions you need to make with your medical team. I, on the other hand, can help you manage your mind around those conversations and your medical circumstances. 

Here’s what you can do when faced with an unexpected medical situation.

The first step is to become aware of your thoughts and emotions related to your medical diagnosis. Notice any negative thoughts or feelings that are causing you stress or anxiety. It will help you to write them down in a brain dump.  Just let everything come out onto a piece of paper so that you can see what’s going on in your mind.

Notice your feelings.  Your feelings are a result of your thoughts.  Are you feeling terrified?  Identify the thought that is causing you the most distress. If you see it on your piece of paper, circle it!!

Put those thoughts on the witness stand! Ask yourself if the thought is true. Is there any evidence that supports this thought? Is there any evidence that contradicts it? What are the facts?  Write them down. If those thoughts aren’t serving you, maybe it’s time to go thought shopping!

Reframe your thought in a more positive or neutral way. For example, if your thought is “This medical problem will ruin my life,” reframe it to “This medical problem is a challenge, but I can handle it.” The point isn’t to minimize your thought, but to create a thought that acknowledges your reality without creating so much fear. 

Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Your primitive brain is probably the culprit here; feeding you worst case scenarios.  While it’s normal to have negative thoughts and emotions around a medical problem, it’s not good for your mental health to let those thoughts run rampant in your brain.  Engage your pre-frontal cortex and all of it’s powers of reasoning, to calm the primitive brain down.  Remind yourself of the facts.  Remind yourself that everything else is just a thought.  

Take action to manage your medical problem in a way that feels empowering to you. This might include seeking medical treatment, making lifestyle changes, or practicing self-care. Work with your doctor to decide what you can do to help create an environment for positive outcomes.  Maybe you can change your diet, or adopt a special diet for a while.  Maybe it’s time to give up smoking, soda drinking or alcohol.  There are so many small things you can do that are just good for you, no matter what the problem.  

Connect with friends and family. I know that sometimes it’s hard to let people in, but in this situation, LET THEM IN! Ask for help. Find that friend or family member who is a good listener or gives solid advice. The point here is that you need to assemble a team, and your team will be made up of friends and family members.

“What is the next thing I need to do?” This was a powerful question that kept me focused on just the next step when dealing with my own medical issues.

Having a new medical diagnosis can be a scary event, especially alone.  When you manage your mind and harness the power of the PFC, you can greatly increase your ability to think and reason your way through the crisis, instead of falling into a panic.  

My favorite question that kept me focused was, “What is the next thing I need to do?”  Ask yourself that over and over.  What is the next thing you need to do to manage your health? Then do it again and again.  I know it’s not a substitute for your loved one, but it will keep you calmer.  

You can do this, and I can help. 

Julie