What do you to to mark the day that your loved one passed? Do you run? Buffer? Go all out? Keep it simple? No matter your choice, when it’s the death-iversary, it’s hard! If you’re struggling with what to do when THAT DAY comes, I have some ideas!

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

The first step in dealing with the death day anniversary of your spouse or partner is to acknowledge your feelings. It is perfectly normal to feel sadness, anger, frustration, or any other emotion. Grief is a process, and it can take time to heal. Be gentle with yourself, hold space for the emotions, and understand that it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling.

2. Plan Ahead

If you know that the death day anniversary is coming up, it can be helpful to plan ahead. Decide what you want to do on that day. It could be something as simple as lighting a candle in their memory, or visiting a favorite spot that you shared. If you have children, you may want to involve them in the planning process. Remember, it’s ok to change your mind!

3. Reach Out for Support

It’s important to reach out for support during this time. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist if you need to. Joining a support group for widowed people can also be helpful. Being around others who have experienced similar loss can provide comfort and understanding. Remember to give people permission to say their name! Some people are just afraid of upsetting you, and they actually need you to tell them it’s ok.

4. Take Care of Yourself

Take care of yourself, especially on this day. Do things that bring you comfort and joy, such as taking a bath, going for a walk, or reading a book. Make sure to eat well and get enough sleep. Taking care of your physical and emotional needs can help you to cope with the day. Allow yourself the gift of grace if you had one idea, but it suddenly seems too much.

My friends, there are no grief police waiting to write you up!

5. Honor Your Spouse’s Memory

Take time to honor your spouse’s memory. This can be done in a variety of ways. You could create a memorial in your home, write a letter to your spouse, or make a donation to a charity in their name. Honoring your spouse’s memory can provide a sense of comfort and help keep their memory alive.

If you need more ideas or already forgotten the ones suggested, I’ve listed them and some additional ones below. These came from our wonderful community of widowed people.

1. Light the candle and enlist friends to light theirs at the same time.
2. Have a beer (or beverage) in their favorite location.
3. Release a balloon with messages written on it.
4. Plant a tree or shrub.
5. Make a memory box, both to remember them, and to acknowledge you are still alive.
6. Donate your time/talents/money to a cause that was important to them.
7. Make or order their favorite meal! Share it with their special people or eat it alone.
8. Write them a letter.
9. Stop at the time when they died and just breathe.
10. Do a good deed.

The Death-iversaries can be difficult for us. However, with some preparation and self-care, it’s possible to navigate these days with grace and honor the memory of your beloved spouse or partner. Remember there are a spectrum of things you can do, AND there are no grief police coming to get you if you do it “wrong.” It’s just you surviving your day.

You can do this, and I’m here to help.

Julie